I am doing what I am sure every actor has done at least once over the course of their career. I am doubting.

There are times when I consider quitting and doing something completely different. It makes me cry when I think about it. It makes me feel like I've failed at something that I could have done had I kept at it. At the same time, keeping at it is what's making me think this way in the first place.

My acting teacher, when giving me notes after a scene, says "you can do the work" or "you understand the work". What does that mean? I should ask her next class, just for my own clarification. She doesn't say anything about my talent or how good my acting is, like she does to others in the class. That doesn't necessarily mean that she doesn't think it, but I have this disgusting need for praise. I try to have the attitude that if no-one says anything, you must be doing it right, but it's not always easy or convenient to think that way. I see other people in the class who look so beautiful on camera, and just seem to "get it". Then I see my face and all I see is a big round moon with big round eyes in it and a little tiny non-existent mouth, I don't know if I believe the words coming out of it myself.

Why do they make stuffed animals look so sad? I have a stuffed dog on top of my computer (a little one). Someone has sewn eyebrows on it in a downturning way on the outside of the eyes, giving it a sad, don't-leave-me-alone-in-the-office look and it breaks my heart to just leave him there. It's stupid. I anthropomorphize stuffed animals ALL the time. When I was little and one fell off the bed, I would cry and beg forgiveness and cuddle it till I was sure it felt better, then I would have to cuddle all the other ones a whole bunch too just so they wouldn't feel left out. The sick part is, I'm still kind of like that...

I'll feel better tomorrow. I need a good sleep, I need to spend time with Chris, I need to shut off all the electrical devices around me, not spend any time on the computer tonight, and just be me. No books to lose myself in or wish that I was a part of, no video games to distract me, no food to comfort me. Just me. I hope it works, I need it to work, I can't be like this much longer, it'll kill me.

Tears are salty.