The basic reason I wanted to write, right now, was that I have been hit with a panic about this weekend.

I found an email that Tromley had printed and given to me after I had kicked him out that one day, back when we had spent the day together, been on the brink of an actual relationship and had just had sex. We were lying on my bed, in the afterglow, literally moments after orgasming, when he said "You know, the Jana thing might still happen."

Yeah, you fill in the rest. Anyway, I found this printed email. Here are a few exerpts:

"I am not waiting. You were not a stant-in this weekend. That's why things are different for me."

"Or maybe I have to decide that I will not entertain Jana so that I can move on purely with my life."

"I have no idea about Jana, but I don't expect anything from her. I don't think anything is coming. I'm not waiting."

"You know, I wroteall this and then thought, maybe you should let it go for a while. not send it yet. maybe if you really think you'll just let her go. and then I thought, sitting here, eating my kraft dinner, what the fuck, wtf. No, I don't want that. I don't want to just let you go. And have us not be anything. I don't want that, does that mean anything?

"I feel like I can be good to you. whether its for tomorrow or 6 months or 18 years. so, sure, I get that this might not work for you. in my heart of hearts I do. But I also believe in my heart of hearts it can. You do not have to be waiting around to have your head blown off by Jana. It's not thecase. We us, can be good and just be we us."

He's always so cryptic. I never quite know what the hell he's talking about.

Anyway, the point being, I cried about him tonight heavily for the first time in a very long time and I realized that the stress of the impending weekend where I get to witness them together for my first time is still there, and is getting to me, no matter how much I deny it.

I'm still angry. I still resent them both terribly. I don't know what I'm going to say or how I'm going to react. I don't want to see their rings. I don't want to be friendly to Jana. I don't want to be gracious.

I want to be a poor loser.

I can't do this. I can't do this. I can't do this. Fuck.

So I bought a dress.