"I want to lose 20 pounds"

And as I said it, I thought about how I'd look 20 pounds lighter and I didn't like it. I imagined my breasts as wasted emptied looking shriveled bags, the skin on my stomach all loose and hanging.

I realized, I'm not really sure I want to lose 20 pounds. I would like to lose the 10 I put on in the last month, and what I really really want to do is tone up and tighten up. I want to lose the fat on my body. I don't want to be skinny, I guess I never really did.

I saw a photo of Lara Flynn Boyle in a bikini and almost barfed.

Anyway. I would like to get back down to 148. Maybe 145, and I can decide from that point. Because I think I would look weird too skinny.

I would like to wear jeans and a t-shirt comfortably and not feel self conscious.

That's the key. Being able to put on an outfit in the morning, know it looks great because you're happy in your own skin, and walk out the door not worrying that my rolls are showing or something similar.

Really, that's something that can easily be separated from my size. It's all psychological anyway, but it helps to have the physcial manifestation of your comfort visible.

I was up at 6 this morning for an hour of pilates. Have I lost my mind?

I miss JR. He bit my arm on New Year's and the bruise is still there. But it's yellowing and I'm afraid when it fades there will be nothing left.

Shriveled heart, shriveled boobs, wow, I'm wasting away!