Not to mention the prospect of having them right now isn't really realistic, considering there is no man to make them with or raise them with, and I promised my not-yet-children a two parent family, because I didn't have one.

I guess I did, technically have a father. In a couple of ways. My real father, who wanted to be a part of my life, wasn't there, really. He lived in Price George when I was little, and I would get to fly up in an airplane alone to see him. But I never really created that bond with him. He was just this guy who was sometimes fun and he was my dad. And that's how I feel about him now. He's a guy who is my father, but I don't make any real efforts to spend time with him or anything, I don't really feel the desiret to.

My mother remarried when I was 6, and at that time I was really into the idea. I started calling him dad right away, and my father became Daddy Rob. And things were good until I was between 10 and 13. When my little brother was born (which I don't regret for a second) I was 10, and I went from being an only child with ALL the attention, to the ghost in the house, no attention. I didn't handle it well. When I hit thirteen and hormones and depression set in, I was not easy to handle, and he had a poor excuse for patience for someone with four other children from two previous marriages, and a fifth just added plus one he probably didn't really want in the first place. Our relationship deteriorated rapidly, and my mother, who has the habit of 'standing by her man', took his side 99% of the time. So I felt completely alone.

Anyway, I guess I just replaced the lack of father with men in general. I've never had a really really good relationship with any of them, friendship-wise or other. I feel used most of the time, abandoned often, rejected almost all of the time. I've always been the good buddy. I've never held a lot of mystery for men, I don't play that game well.

Anyway, their fascination with me stops as soon as I open my mouth. Perhaps I should stop doing that?

I am so much better on paper. In theory, I'm an amazing woman, a catch and a half. According to the instruction booklet I am the M3000 of women, I have it all, I have it all together, I am the perfect partner. But the manufacturer fucked up somewhere and all the circuits are crossed.

I'm like communism. In theory, on paper etc, it works and makes perfect sense and is a fantastic idea in progression of human existence. But when applied, in action, it falls apart because human nature is inherently fallible. My nature, my emotional qualities, my genetics, cause this magnificent creation that is my body and mind, to fall apart, to malfunction, to sizzle and crackle and jitter and stutter and crash. The backup systems bring me back on line for a while now and then, but inevitably, the system failure happens again.

What a big nerd.

But, I have nice eyes, I hear. Oh and a good smile.

ps - I have so much to write about Tromley but I promised not to write about things like that anymore. So I'm going to forego it, but I thought it should at least be put out there that things are on my mind and this is far from finished