Aug. 20, 2003 - 3:36 p.m.
To Clarify:

I thought I should just clarify something here.

When I write in my diary, it's because I have the presence of mind to put together sentences and think about things and how I feel. I'm able to concentrate and be ordered with things. When I am not able to write in here, and what I'm not able to describe, is the moments of breaking down and crying. The moments of hating myself for making such a brutal mistake. The moments of feeling so totally alone, and feeling like jackrabbit just rejects me left right and centre. He doesn't, but I'm able to dwell on this idea.

You can't write out feelings. You can just write words that attempt to describe it, to illustrate it so people reading can do their best to picture it.

But when words like doomed and sentenced to death before it even knows it's there, those are still things that creep into my head and make me want to ring my own neck.

I sound calm. I'm trying very hard to remain calm because flipping out doesn't help anyone, least of all myself. So don't take this as me being cold, or indifferent, or not caring or not realizing the magnitude of all this.

I'm very very well aware.

old bitching - random - new bitching

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