Nov. 04, 2002 - 10:23 a.m.
So Wonderful and So Confused, All At Once

The entry from earlier today was niice. Go read it if you want to hear about a nice weekend.

I feel strange. I feel wonderful and light and fresh, but worried and confused and anxious and impatient. I am starting to become consumed by Kirin. It's moving very slowly, which is a good thing, I think, in my case, since it's so very soon after the breakup. (Though I am so very ready to move on). I think about him pretty much all day.

So here's the dilemma. I'm not good at the dating thing, I have never really been much of a dater, no one ever wanted to date me, and I grew up in an era of non-dating. You hang out in groups, start making out at parties and suddenly your "going out". Then a week later, you get bored of each other and make out with someone else at another party and the cycle begins again. Shitty. I always wanted the Archie comics scenarios where everone goes on dates. Little stolen kisses and infatuation. I think I missed out on something really sweet, innocent and exciting by passing the dating fun.

I'll make up for it now maybe? The only thing is that sex always complicates things. We all want it, and when we get it, everything changes, and not necessarily for the better. I just wish that honesty could be the thing.

I should practice what I preach shouldn't I? I want to say something to Kirin about how I feel, because we are sort of skirting issues and we seem so unsure in each other's presence, while at the same time, it seems we ache to touch each other in some manner, like brushing legs together, or touching a shoulder or a hand. It's agony. The scary part is that maybe I feel this and he doesn't. Maybe he's just a tactile friend and isn't interested in more. Somehow I know that's not true, that there is something there between us, a connection, but I just don't know if I should let it be and see what developes, or if I'd be rushing things or ruining things by saying something to him. Then again, I think he knows how I feel, unless he's an idiot, which he isn't.

AUGH. The anticpation is killing me. I waaaaaaaaant him. I want him to kiss me. It's giving me the shits. SPS is setting in too often these days, and I wonder if it's psychological.

old bitching - random - new bitching

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1 fussbugets said...



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