I feel good about it today. I thought I wouldn�t but I do. And now is the time I had better start in on my meds again because I frightened myself on Monday night and I think it would be unwise to get back into that state. One of the reasons the meds are helpful is that they allow me to step back from things that cause me pain and look at them from an objective point of view, rather than being in the fray and looking at it subjectively. I can see things a little more for what they are, rather than what they feel like, and this last week�s bout of serious depression and death wishes was a wake up call that I�m not well.

I actually considered turning myself into a psych ward somewhere and telling them I was tempted to do something drastic. But that�s just another way of running away.

As par for the course, I feel sick. The meds do a number on my stomach, and I don�t mind, because it stops me from involuntary eating. I also have pms and cramps and that doesn�t help the situation much.

I�m thinking about him a little bit. But no emails, no phone calls, and certainly no seeing each other. Not until he�s sorted out. That will be after Easter. So that�s over a month. And chances are, when I see him again, he�ll be with her again. The weird thing is that I�ll be seeing her before he does, she�s probably directing the 24 hour film contest that I�d like to be a part of with that crowd. I�ve never met her before. It�ll be strange. I wonder if she�ll ask me about him. I won�t know what to say. I miss him, but I don�t. I think it really is the best thing for us, no matter how hard. Because I am just losing myself bit by bit and piece by piece, and in the process we�re losing each other. Right now I can�t be just friends with him and that hurts me and that hurts him and it isn�t right that we end up like that. So it�s better that we stop this nonsense now and give ourselves some time to be normal.

I have to get a grip. I�m losing the slope here and it�s a bit of a drop over the edge, so I think I�ll allow my survival instincts to kick in.

I think I�m having a nervous breakdown. As I stood up I hit this switch on my chair and the thing folded in on itself and hit me hard on the back and I just burst into tears after punching the chair. I am so on this fine fucking line.

I am unwell today.