He seems so accident prone and I couldn't picture him old. It was scary. I can almost always picture people old. 99% of the time. And the ones I can't, I fear won't make it that far. That's probably why when I haven't heard from him, I think he's dead.

With me it's hard to tell. I feel like I won't live for a long time. I feel like I'll never be old, I'll make it to 40 and something will happen. But at the same time. I can feel myself BEING old.

I can feel myself looking back at my life from a withered body, a drooping neck and veiny hands, having a hard time walking well. Stooped back, shorter. A pot belly, the one I tried so long not to have. Silver hair, thinning.

I feel myself looking back at all the mistakes I made. Wishing I had never met certain people, wishing I had met others I never got to. Wishing I hadn't married who I did, or wishing I had taken that marriage offer so many years ago. Alone, as old people tend to be when their spouses pass away, or maybe they never had one.

I wonder if at that age I would have accepted being alone, or if I would want to die everyday, as my body failed, my bladder, my hormones, my digestive system. My heart. My memories.

I don't know if humans were actually meant to live this long. Maybe we weren't. Maybe we were meant to die at 35 like our ancestors? While we still had all our mental faculties, and our bodies worked ok. When we weren't ancient. We just got old and died at 40 instead of 90. I guess it's all a personal experience. Some people at 90 are still active and happy and living an entertaining and fulfilled life.

Others are just waiting to die, sick, frail, wasting away. Is that really a life? Is it worth it? I wouldn't want to ask any of them, in case they say no, it's not. I don't want to get there.

My gramma is 83 and suffering mini strokes. Her blood pressure is too high. She's spent her whole life watching her calories. She was a walker, she kept in shape. Now she's not well anymore.

Christina's grandfather passed away right before Christmas. He had cancer.

I guess I'm feeling our mortality today. I wonder if you concentrate enough, can you feel your cells dying? And new ones being made?

Probably not. But you can hear your heart beat, and your breath escaping and re-entering. I guess that's life right there.