I mean, not surprising considering what I've just been through, but I think it was magnified significantly because I have a predisposition to serotonin imbalances. I haven't been that depressed in years, and it's a wonder i didn't really realize it and nip it in the bud. I'm out of practice. I used to be able to say, ok I feel a depression coming on, that's all it is. I'm going to cry and I'll be fine later, so just get on with it, get it over with and don't think it's anything wrong with you. It'll pass.

But this time, I indulged it terribly. I felt like I was fucked up, like everything I did was fucked up and that I was always wrong. I felt like my life was awful and I had no happiness in it at all. I felt like I wanted to die. I thought of ways I could die(wouldn't ever, of course), and how people would feel if I did, which is my favourite depression pasttime - imagining people's reactions at the news of or witnessing of my death. Pretty self indulgent eh?

I dragged JR through it too. We ended up in fights that were stupid and caused by me dwelling on a thought and kicking that thought until it kicked me back and hurt.

So the not surprising part is the power of that depression. It was a really strong one and it was obviously fueled by the recent abortion. My body went through a major hormonal change. Going from pumping me CHOCKERS full of the HCG hormone, which pretty much alters how your body works - 20% higher metabolism, 50% higher blood circulation, higher temperature, major nausea, cramps, bloating, diarrhea alternated with major constipation, sore swollen breasts, headaches, lack of concentration, poor memory, mood swings to basically nothing. When the placenta is removed, the source of the HCG is removed and it's a matter of your body then processing the hormone out. It seemed like my body processed it out in a matter of hours. But I think the hole left by the HCG also affected my serotonin and all those other lovely ines and onins in my brain and triggered a massive depression bout.

So I basically was seriously clinically and profoundly depressed over the weekend. My old bipolar tendencies returned with a serious vengeance.

Not to mention that abortion is not a happy subject, not an easy thing to deal with, and is bound to cause depressive feelings in the first place. So that, coupled with a mildly bipolar episode caused me to revert back to how I was when I was 15. Lonely, scared, very sad, self-loathing, world-loathing, life-loathing.

It was a rough weekend.

I feel amazing now though. I feel kinda free, and energetic and content in my life at the moment. I am not longing for anything right now. Other than maybe sitting in my ubercomfy bed and finishing David Copperfield with a cup of tea and a scone with gobs of clotted cream and jam.

ohhhhohhhohohohhhh

clotted cream.

and jaaaaaaaam.

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