I've been thinking about how there's all this living I have to do coming up. Like working and going to choir and class and going to Toronto and being without Jackrabbit (he's final straw angry at me. Turns out I was not all that good last night, I was horrible, and I made a fool of myself, I was obnoxious, a barely tolerable drunken loudmouthed bitch who couldn't handle herself at all) all this other stuff and just living in general coming up. I don't want to do it. I did before, but today, being hungover and getting a very sharp, strongly worded, blunt and cutting email from JR has brought me into a very bad place emotionally.

I always said I'd never actually kill myself, that I'm too smart for that, but it seems that line is getting fainter and fainter, and I get closer and closer to contemplating actually going through with it. That's why I made the appointment. Coincidentally, in JR's email he basically gave me an ultimatum: get help or I don't wanna be friends with you anymore.

I get to leave work in half an hour. I get to go home to my profoundly changed and unchanged life where I don't want to be. I can't escape myself.

I am this person and I don't want to be her and I don't know how not to be her. I am starting to feel like I'm awful, that I never actually was a great girl, but that I've actually been severely fucked up for the greater portion of my life and now it's just coming to a head.