Apr. 16, 2004 - 11:48 a.m.
Drama-Free Zone

No drama the last day and a half. I'm on a roll.

Last night was relaxing. I went home, knitted my toque, which turned out to be far too small. Fart. So I'm going to start again for the FOURTH time. This better be it. I got frustrated and worked on the scarf instead.

Looks good and fun. Helen's little brother is coming to stay with us for two weeks. He's from Edmonton. He's the same age as my little brother, actually, a year older, but the same age. Speaking of little brothers, mine was in Kamloops for a bike race over the weekend. Wonder how it went.

I wonder about JR today. I wonder how he's doing. Despite all this hateful shit that's gone on with us, I still love him. I just hope he's doing ok. I do miss things. I just know that we can't be friends.

Maybe later we can? I don't know. I only know that since I stopped hanging around him so much, I stopped worrying about needing approval.

With JR, I was constantly seeking his approval and I felt worthless without it. I would feel upset or low or downright cry if I felt I didn't have the approval I so desperately needed. And that lack of approval came from being rejected in the first place, and the manner in which I was rejected. So I was beneath the standard in my and his opinion, and I needed his approval/acceptance to get back to normal. But now I see that I don't, and I never did.

I've never needed approval from Tromley because he's approved of me from the beginning. So it wasn't even something that crossed my mind. So much so that approval isn't the right word anymore. I know that he loves me for all the things I am, including the rough stuff. Whereas JR would harp on the rough stuff, point it out to me and make me feel bad about it.

There are always going to be things about a person that can be tweaked or changed. We all have our faults and weirdnesses, but we don't need to be dragged around by our hair to learn to get through them or change.

Tromley has told me from the start, "Arianna you're great, what are you worried about?" and it's not a matter of stoking my ego. It's a matter of seeing myself the way most other people see me. JR saw me differently, I don't know how, but he saw me in a way that no-one else I know saw me. And it was in a bad light. When 10 people in your life say, Arianna you're great, I love you, and one says, you need to change all these things, odds are, you're probably great and loved.

And yes, there are things I need to work on. I don't deny this. But there are ways to go about things and help people, and ways to love people and show your love and some of them are just not effective.

Jackrabbit needs to see his detachment.

But I do miss him.

old bitching - random - new bitching

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Sigur Ros - Ny Batteri
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