But it occurred to me that he actually WANTED to talk to me that long. He wasn't trying to get off the phone. He wasn't like ok, here's some plans, yeah you better get to work. But not just that, we listened to each other for an hour, and we had things to say, and he didn't want to get off the phone, and I didn't want to get off the phone.

It's sometimes a pleasant realization when you discover someone loves to talk to you as much as you love to talk to them.

He dreams about me. I'm in his dreams. I mean, he has a dream where he's doing something regular or he's doing something weirdie, you know, dream stylee style and it's like all the other dreams one has in one's lifetime, except now, I'm there. In the past the dream would be something like - him, running through the woods to talk to the little man with the clover hat, only now, he's running through the woods and I'm running with him. I'm just there.

To me, that gives me a little indication of how I've permeated his life. I'm in his subconscious now. One of his dreams involved doing something that really really hurt me, and he felt TERRIBLE, in the dream, and when he woke up.

In other news.

I can't remember if I mentioned it or not, but I've decided to switch from Weight Watchers to the Atkins Diet. I have found that on weight watchers, I am hungry all the time. If I've eaten my points for the day, then I'm screwed.

SO, the bigger news, is that I am no longer vegetarian. Sigh. The reasons I stopped were for guilt, and that hasn't changed, but I at fish yesterday and it made me feel queasy sick sick sick all evening. I can't eat fish only for the rest of my life, I now know that is not feasible.

The logic behind this is not necessarily sound, but I never said I was particularly logical. But I am not going to eat chicken. No poultry. It makes me feel ill and sad when I can see the bones in things, then I know what they were before they died. So I am going to still eat fish, because the oils and fatty acids are important, but I am going to add beef. Because beef is so versatile, it will make for decent variety in my diet so that I don't go insane and gorge on mocha buttercreme cake. Plus it has iron, which is rather important, and it's satisfying, so that I am not hungry all the time.

Please don't send me hate carnivore emails etc, I feel guilty enough as it is. Bad bad bad. But I have to be selfish about this, it's my body.

I am really starting to believe we are on this earth once, we are not IN these bodies, we ARE these bodies. When we die, we are done. And I'm not sure if it's detrimental to kind living or not, but I do feel like the only repercussions the things we do have on us and our lives is direct and indirect consequences that manifest now. There is no karma. there is no, "be nice now, so that your next life will be better." We just do our stuff, and die. The rest of the universe goes on doing it's thing whether or not I eat cows. But man do I feel bad anyway.

I believe all that, and yet I don't because I'm human and I have an imagination and there's a part of me that refuses to believe that we just end like that. There must be something more, there must be something else on this big journey, we must become something else in this huge universe, or maybe in another one. We can't just END. You know though, we can. It's sad.

And I'm not afraid of death. I'm not afraid of what comes after it, whether it's hell, heaven, valhalla, or nothing. Because I'll be DEAD, I won't care. I suspect that whatever it is we become when we're dead, we will INSTANTLY have no recollection of what we were before we died.

So I won't remember my life. I won't remember the dreams this boy has of me. I won't remember his touch and his kisses. I won't remember striving so hard to have a body marketable to the rest of the human race so that I can be a success at the one form of artistic expression that I love so much I am willing to give up my principles. Does that make me a hypocrit?

Then I'd be one of millions. Because everyone is hypocritical in some way. At least I don't teach children and then take one home and molest it. There are worse things I could do.

SO. Beef it is.

Stroganoff anyone?