I have been reading back through my diary again. I wanted to remind myself of things I've said and be familiar with it. I feel it will be called into question. And I found this paragraph again, which still seems to explain how I feel despite actions I have wanted to or discussed taking.

"My love for Heathcliff resembles the eternal rocks beneath: a source of little visible delight, but necessary. Nelly, I am Heathcliff! He's always, always in my mind: not as pleasure, any more than I am always a pleasure to myself, but as my own being. So don't talk of our separation again: it is impracticable..."

I hope this in some way illustrates the foundations of what I feel, no matter what my head is trying to tell me or make me do.