Why is it that I refuse to accept reality and instead continue to live in my hopes and dreams, ALL THE TIME?

Why can I not see things for real? Why do I hope against hope for things that are obviously not going to happen?

Why am I so totally deluded into thinking that these things will or can happen for me?

I don't just mean men. I mean acting career too. Why is it that I believe I can be in the top notch with the folks in LA? Why do I believe that? I don't look like Charlize Theron, and that is who makes it to the top notch. Not cute but slightly heavy brunettes. Monica Belluci makes it. Not me. So why do I believe that I will?

And yes men. Why did it take me so long to walk away from Jackrabbit? And now Tromley, I'm doing the same thing all over again. Why can't I just walk away and let him get started on something new with his ex girlfriend?

I hate this trait in me. Some people find it amirable, my tenacity, my drive, my loyalty whatever. I hate it. I hate it because I get nothing but let down, time after time. At least I'm not religious, because I would be let down by god time after time too, and that would just be too much to take.

I take everything very personally. I know that. I also have no patience. I'm aware of this. These are not good qualities in me.

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