So it's a fact that he and I will 99% never have a relationship together. He's still very much wanting things to happen with his ex. It's not surprising or weird, they were together 7 years and it ended rather messily, and he was left with regrets. So of course that relationship takes precidence.

It was said that if (I hate that word, if) there was no ex in the picture we could both see ourselves with each other in the future, there is a future possible, in that respect. But there isn't. So I'm going to just drop it. I enjoy spending time with him, I enjoy his body. So I'll do that for now.

The question was brought up about who's using who, if we were using each other at all, etc. I don't think so. Using, to me, is when there's no attachment at all, and there's attachment for us.

I don't know why or what the attachment is based on, but it's fine for now. But I am going to move on. I was told not to hold out. That's the second man in a row to say that to me. How do I find them? How do they find me?

I had five consecutive orgasms last night. FIVE. I've never had that before in my life. Maybe two, I think three once. But never that many. And often the multiples are spaced out more. These were within minutes of each other.

That does say that I'm invested, more than I want to be. But I know the score, I know the facts, and I am not going to be surprised by anything.

No expectations, no disappointment. Right?

So why do I feel a little bit sad today?

My sweater smells like the gumbo he made last night. And I miss JR today.

Wow, after going away from this entry and coming back to it, having not quite finished yet, I find that I feel incredibly lonely today. I don't feel like I want to remedy it, but I also don't feel like I can stay like this. Maybe Tromley's right.

Maybe Helen is right and I should just end it all, full stop. I'm so weak.