I've been over-eating. I've been over-spending. I've been shoving food in my mouth and swiping my credit card far more than is reasonable in the last week. I feel out of control.

I don't know if it's even a control thing. But I definitely feel like I'm not present for what my body is up to.

I seem to be on autopilot, with no monitor keeping an eye on what I'm doing.

This is scaring me. I feel very scared. I feel like I want to run away from everyone again. Tromley, I don't want to speak to. Jackrabbit, I don't speak to. I just want to crawl into bed and hope that tomorrow I don't eat too much or spend too much.

I wonder if Tromley and Jana have gotten it on lately (finally?). The strange thought is that now, this idea doesn't make me sad. It makes me feel angry, but not sad. I think that he made efforts in the arena of winning my affections, he admitted that when I didn't like him so much he wondered "Why doesn't she like me more", but then, once my affections grew for him and I found myself wanting to be with him, he changed his song, and wondered why I wouldn't just go away so he could focus on Jana.

He suggested that I sabotaged or was trying to sabotage his efforts with Jana. I hated him for that comment. More than I thought was possible. I guess it was all about him from the start. How HE felt about things. What I felt, no matter what it was, really was irrelevant all along. I was just on for the ride, I guess.

Chalk another one up to my mistakes and regrets.

insensitive

And in the meantime, I continue to attempt fill a hole that I don't understand and can't seem to close with food and material things.

Perhaps I am the hole itself, and there's no way to close it because the only way to close it would be to destroy me. A black hole hoarding love and light that wants to suck everything in its path into its vast and empty belly, hoping one day it will suck in enough that the hole will be filled and the opening blocked, but how do you fill infinity? You can't. Whatever I draw inside just vanishes, deconstructs, implodes. I destroy everything I touch.