How can I listen to one and not the other? So I am going to do the 'big' thing and forgive Tromley. I think that for me to be ok and not angry and bitter, I just have to move past it. It still hurts. I still cry now and then, but we were friends before all this dipshittery happened, and back then I didn't even want to be involved with him. I couldn't see it. So the foundation for loving friendship exists, and I have to find it again. It only hurts me to dwell and pine and regret and hate and be angry. It doesn't hurt anyone else.

So, though it's going to take a long time for me to be 100% cool with all of it, I'm going to make the effort because I don't want to be sad and upset and angry and hurt and hateful anymore. I don't feel well when I'm like that.

It ruined me with Jackrabbit because I couldn't really, and we didn't have the original friendship to find again. So now I end up disliking him, hating him sometimes and regretting everything and missing him and not one good feeling about things remains. I don't want that again.

I don't want to leave a trail of people who I hate and fear and cry over.

I suppose if you were to assign colours to people, I would be red, or dark blue. Trom would be a mellow yellow maybe with flecks of pink and Jana is beige. I'm a clasher with that colour scheme. I didn't belong in that room.

I guess that and the scarf, you know. I decided to give it to Trom anyway because I don't think I'd feel right giving it to someone else. It was made for him, and it's meant for him, so I'll just keep to that. It'll add a little bit of me to his colour scheme.

I'll make another one for the fella that ends up in my room. He's gotta be green, man, green!