So anyway, I told him I was bored waiting at the bus stop and he said which bus stop so I told him and he said you wanna ride? I was like HELL YEA.

So we went to Wendy's on the way home. He got a honking bacon burger thing and I got a small frostie. MMM frostie. 7 fucken points though! I have to learn to stop eating things when I don't know the point value, though it IS a FROSTIE, I'm sure I didn't think it would be LOW in points. haha.

Went home and played Halo together and I just sucked all over the place. I rock when I play with Jackrabbit, but for some reason the Lawyer intimidates me and I suck and play like a freakin girl. Brutal. Embarassing. He actually told me I sucked and then tried to make it better saying he was joking, but I know he wasn't.

He really really really really hates the idea that Jackrabbit knows about us.

We were talking last night and I told him this idea that's been mulling in my head. I hated his reaction to this too. I told him I had been thinking about calling it quits with him until he can make up his mind about whether or not he wants to continue this relationship. I said it was hurting me, knowing that he's still pondering whether or not he should dump me, and that in a weeks time he could decide we shouldn't be dating. I told him it was like waiting in line for the guillotine, but there's a delay and you have to stand in line there looking up at the blade, not totally sure if the King will parden you or not. So I said that what I SHOULD do is say "we shouldn't see each other until you know what you want."

He said, "do you think you'll do that?" and, of course, I said, not really, though I want to, but I can't seem to because I like you so much. I told him about the "going through a lot of pain for a little bit of pleasure" thing.

He basically replied to all this by telling me that he wasn't afraid of me calling it off because he knew that I wouldn't. That made me angry. He didn't say it in a snide way or anything. Just matter of fact. I know that you won't leave me. PISSED ME OFF. I felt so weak at that moment. I felt intimidated and weak and girly womany and pathetic and clingy.

I told him that I was afraid of saying that we shouldn't see each other in case he agreed. I want him to fight for me. I want him to say, NO, please, let's stay together. But he probably wouldn't. I suggested that he wouldn't be all that upset if I called it off. He disagreed and said he would be very upset.

He apologized for hurting me. He felt bad about the whole guillotine thing. But nothing is resolved. He still doesn't know if he's going to tell Ryan. He still doesn't know if he wants to end our relationship.

I'm getting scared again. I feel like I'm hanging over a cliff and he's got the lever to release the rope.

Yet when I'm with him, just hanging out, having a conversation, cuddling, eating, doing our thing, whatever it is, I feel good. I feel happy. I feel like I don't want anything else at that moment. I even forget about Jackrabbit, for the time being.

I'm a torn woman!!