It's never nice to say to someone, 'I wish I'd never met you'. It'll either hurt him or make him angry, or just confirm his suspicions about me. I care, but I don't anymore. I just have to stop caring what he thinks of me now.

It's funny how on my birthday, when he knew already what will happen in six weeks, that he tried to convince me, make me believe that something DID happen between us. Maybe it did. But whatever it was it just doesn't matter. It means absolutely nothing at all.

I just wonder how much easier and better my life would have been if I hadn't met him, you understand. I'm sure that there are lots of things that I learned from him, and lots of things about me that are different because of him, but I feel like some of those things are not good.

I was bitter when I met him, and my bitterness was lifting, and now, I'm twice as bitter. I'm so bitter that I can't be bothered when I meet new people because I don't trust that I'll be able to be there for them, I don't want to fall in love again, and I don't trust that they're not going to go away.

Example: Remember SwatScot? Our mutual friend P has been passing on the gossip she hears about me when I'm mentioned in their circle. She also passes on his situational stuff, as she and her boyfriend want Swat and I to get together. Anyway, the latest is that he was in love with his best friend (female) for ages and settled for friendship when she found her 'true love' in someone else. He pines. Now in one way, it makes us kindred, but in another, I know what this is like. I don't want to be compared to her and then found to be lacking. I can't do that again. I CAN'T. What if she decides she does love him after all? Then I get left, yet again.

So there it is. I cannot be carefree anymore. That part of my childlike nature is dead.

When you're being kicked in the head, there's a point at which you must just stay down.