Yesterday was rough enough that I had to go to the bathroom and cry, hard, to get it out. And I did. I cried REALLY hard. I made myself a deal with being off the meds and that is that if I'm feeling something, I have to feel it, and let it be felt and acknowledge it so that it doesn't get stored up somewhere to come back and bite me in the ass later. So yeah, I bawled in the can.

But then I went home, and I was alone, and out of the blue, I skyrocketed and I felt incredible. I was really fucking happy for no reason at all. Nothing was bothering me. I got to my screening with a huge smile on my face. I was late, it was sold out, I didn't get to see it.

I was ok with that. That was ok. I called a few people to see who wanted to catch a flick, and no-one was around so I dropped by the film-guys' place and Jamie happened to be home so I coerced him into coming to see Eternal Sunshine etc. and that was great. The film was great and it made me feel very good inside. I thought it would make me cry. I even searched my body to see if I was wanting to cry and avoiding it but I wasn't, it wasn't there. :) A truly happy moment, and those are so few.

I found out this morning that dear Dan drove all over hell's half acre trying to find my screening, and he missed it.

I want to acknowledge his efforts because it meant SO MUCH TO ME that he tried so hard and wanted to be there. Made me feel important to someone, that was very cool. Thank you.

I've got yoga tonight, which is great. I was invited to the One Man Lord of the Rings, but I can't go. SHITE.

On the eating front: I'm going to adopt a bit of a Type A behaviour thing and just get anal about what I'm eating. If I want to put something in my mouth, I'm going to mutter, "Type A Type A Type A" and put it back down. I know I'll seem crazy, and people will look at me strangely, but they do that anyway, so no big loss.

This is not an attempt to lose weight, although it is, indirectly. It's an attempt at controlling my compulsive eating disorder. I need to learn to control what I put in my mouth, when and why. Because right now, I have a problem, and for a while there, I couldn't stop eating. It's unhealthy, it's counterproductive to my acting career, it's expensive, and it DOESN'T MAKE THINGS BETTER.

That's the key phrase right there. If it made me better, if it actually, realistically made me happier, then I would overlook the financial, occupational and nutritional deficiencies and just do it. But that's the thing. It doesn't. It makes everything worse. So this is my next lesson in stopping this self destruction.

God, could I yammer on a little more? How irritating.