But I had those dreams and I knew I couldn't kid myself anymore. My period is 5 days late. So I stewed over it all weekend. Anna slapped me on the wrist and said go get a fucking test. So I did and it wasn't in my pee stream for even a SECOND and the blue line was already appearing. No question. The tests are 99% accurate and the errors always go the other way. Like telling you you're not pregnant when you are. It's pretty much impossible to pour HCG hormones out of your body unless you're on fertility drugs or you're pregnant. I'm sure as hell not on fertility drugs. Anyway, I've made an appointment for a doctor's test tomorrow at 2 and I'm going to talk to her about my options. But mainly I'm going to talk to her about abortion. I've decided 99% that I am going to end the pregnancy.

You do, however, have a say. You are entitled to your opinion and this is partly yours too. So you have that 1% to convince me either way. Either you say, yes have an abortion, and that will make it 100%, or you give me a fucking killer good reason that we should have this baby together, a 99% good reason in the other direction. I doubt you have that reason.

So having an abortion is sure enough that I will book the appointment tomorrow right there at the doc's.

It makes me so so so sad too. There was a point at which I would have loved to have children with you. I loved you so much and you were all I ever wanted. It's funny that now, after all we've been through, now that I don't want you as my partner anymore, not like I used to, NOW I get pregnant. Now I have this thing that's a part of both of us. It's weird.

I feel weird. No wonder I've had an off month. No wonder I've not felt like myself. I'm trying to remember the moment when I started to feel weird. Was it right after? Nevertheless. I've KNOWN. My body KNEW it. Those dreams were a huge indication. They said "wake up stupid, you're pregnant".

Anyway. I get to know the joy of beginning life and the pain of ending it all in one instance.

Know I know though, what it's like to be a woman. Because I KNEW. I KNEW IT. My body and my subconscious mind were telling me. I didn't need a test. I didn't need science. I didn't need a piece of paper or a blue line. I FUCKING KNEW. That's what it is to be a woman. We know how to make life and we are down with it, you know?

I can't believe it.

I knew. I knew. I knew. I knew. I knew. I knew. I knew. I knew. I knew. I knew.

That trips me out like nothing else.

I'm going to get chocolate.