But that's not what bothered me. It was the friend, be there for you, never judge thing. And he judged me right there in that paragraph.

Why can't he see what he does? Why is he completely oblivious to how pessimistic and judgemental and critical he really is? He never gives things a chance, he writes them off out of a fear that they'll go wrong. He couldn't believe that I love acting for what it is. He had to find some alterior motive for it. Something to do with my self esteem. Like if I fixed my self esteem I wouldn't need to be an actor anymore. BUT, for me, it's more like this. The more self esteem I have the more I WANT to be an actor, the better an actor I'll be, the more successful. And it's creation and that's what I'm all about.

Creation of art in all forms. Not destruction. And he's a destructive force. And it spread to me. I helped him create a child and he helped me destroy it. I helped him create a relationship with me and he helped me destroy it.

I want to teach him to be less like this, but you can't teach someone who doesn't believe there's anything wrong. He's got the ability to create, like anyone, but he can't seem to find it, to use it. There are still parts of me that want to lift him up and away from all the awful things he's endured in his life with his parents, his relationships, his social life as a child and teenager. But this is me. I've always been a relationship social worker, wanting to show broken people how to be fixed, when I was broken myself and instead of helping to fix them, they just broke me more. I wonder if one day, going at the rate I'm going, I'll be strong enough to fix him after all.

I miss him still. He seems more and more like a lost little boy every day that I'm away from him. I wonder if that's in my own head or if it's true.