I got up this morning and checked my email before I left, and Trevor had instant messaged me at 2am. He never does that.

I'm starting to get scared about going to school. What if I can't keep up the morgage payments? What happens when I'm finished school and I have an astronomical student loan to pay back AND my mortgage and so on and so forth? What kind of job will I be able to get? I'll have to have a roommate forever, in my own home.

I'm doing all this alone too. No help from anyone. It's rather scary.

And the hard part is I still want to act. I don't want to give that up yet, I have barely begun. I think that i will have to sacrifice a few classes now and then to go to auditions and gigs because I just might be able to fund my way through school like that. We'll have to see. I'm also wearing a bachelor's degree on my finger, in the form of diamonds.

That feels really strange. I probably have about $10,000 worth on my finger. The big one is nearly $8,000 and the little one has got to be at least $2,000. There's no way I would sell either of them, since they were a gift from my grandmother, but it is a little disconcerting anyway.

Bah.

So. No more boys. No more relationships. I am going to stop throwing my emotions all over the place.

I think I'm going to go back on the antidepressants. They balance me out and keep me level and squash my libido, which is important right now, because that's a major factor in wanting men in the first place.

So that's that. Alone is good. Alone is better than bullshit and stupid excuses and narcissism and arrogance and selfcentred-ness and shallow outlooks and short sightedness.

This is going to be so fucking hard.