Not that it's a good day, but you know, the greeting.

So. I feel a thousand years old today. My body is out of whack in so many millions of ways it's driving me mental.

Pain is definitely grounds for becoming insane. I'm certainly not productive today at work. I find I'm on the edge a lot. Little things set me off crying. I didn't get my massage yesterday because the woman before me, (oddly, i KNOW her too), wouldn't get off the table. So I didn't get a massage, which really pissed me off. Because I was in a lot of pain, and she was having a 'moment'. Go cry in the fucking bathroom, I'm desperate here!!!

So that made me mad. My session with my therapist was interesting. My guard is going down little by little and I cried pretty hard during the session, which is funny, because I feel like I'm wasting his time when I sit there and cry, but i seem to forget. I'm paying the man. So basically, he's paid to sit there and listen to me cry if that's what I damnwell want to do.

Anyway, I cried pretty hard. I've forgiven Jackrabbit for the first offence in that I have to or I'll go nuts, but I'm not over it. It still hurts me so much. It's set the course of my own self image over the last year.

I was talking with the therapist about how I was teased as a kid about being fat. And then I just burst out with:

"I'm 27, he's 30 and I'm STILL getting this shit. He may as well have stood there and sung "fatty fatty two-by-four" at me, that's what it felt like. I can't believe I'm still getting this."

I know. Every fucking kid was teased, but that doesn't make it hurt any less. The more I remember these things, the more I realize that my decision to remove him from my life was the right one. He hopes that after a while, we can be friends again.

But it's becoming more apparent to me that we can't. I don't like the person I've become when I'm around him. Weak, I can't argue, I can't defend myself properly, I feel about '.' this big. It's so hard to see yourself clearly when you're in the fog, but I'm past the fog and now I don't like what the damp has done to my constitution. I'm not me anymore. And all of you have probably noticed that. All of my friends have noticed that.

Helen, my roommate noticed how the light went out of my eyes after spending time with JR. How I became dull and lifeless. I believe her now.

One more day, the ballet with him. A kind of last outpost.

I have to go to the doctor's now. Fix the pain in my head, much easier than the pain in my heart, no?