Apr. 23, 2004 - 3:21 p.m.
Tortoise learns patience

Ok so I'm flip flopping between doing mature, self-progressive things, and feeling like turd on a shoe.

So Tromley and I, yes him again, are going to take ANOTHER break, much like the first one, only WAY WAY longer. I'm going to leave him entirely alone to sort himself out with his ex, and for me to allow my wounds to heal so that I'm a whole person and can be a whole person in his life.

I'm not a whole person, though I'm still much more whole than I was before I met him. I'm maybe a 2/3 of a person now. Instead of maybe 1/8 of a person. Yay for progress.

If I can just sustain my self-supportive behaviour now. I go through periods of really taking care of myself. Eating well, exercising well, feeling emotionally healthy and making decisions that promote that feeling. But then I slide again. Back to eating crap, skipping the yoga and whatnot, sleeping with men who don't want me, and being generally destructive. Then I hit bottom, freak myself out and everyone who cares about me, do something drastic and stupid and then I climb back out of that hole again and make vows. "I'm going to eat better, go to yoga and stop sleeping with men who don't love me".

Then I do it. I manage to stay with that for a while. Sure enough, that landslide happens underneath me again, and down I go, begging someone to choose me, and ruining friendships and relationships alike, left right and centre.

So no temptation. He's away from me for a while. I am going to HEAL UP THIS SHIZZNIT because it's not making life any easier for anyone, especially me. And I care too much about him to fuck this one up. He's too good to me, and he's one of the few that actually see ME. So I can't fuck this one up, it's too important. He's too important.

So there it is. Break-time. And we'll come back to each other in a month or two when we're both 100% ready to be present and good to ourselves and each other.

I'll miss him like nothing else, and he'll miss me too, but it's worth waiting for. Patience, I'm learning it and good things like him are worth the time taken.

Like he said.

Life is long. And I love my little hare enough to do as tortoises do and take my time.

old bitching - random - new bitching

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