I have so many things I want to say, and I keep starting paragraphs, then reading them and erasing them because they don't convey what I want them to.

There is so much going on in my head that I can't think straight. I am in limbo, I've discovered.

I was thinking, over the weekend, about all the different aspects of my life. How in my career endeavours I am in limbo. I want so much and I'm ready to work so hard, yet I'm on this threshold, and all that I need is that one kick, one chance with a good casting director that sees the worth in my abilities and wants to cast me and pay me. Thus would begin my career, yet I haven't had that opportunity yet. I am on the brink. I'm teetering over this edge and I'm waiting patiently to just fall. But it's wearing thin, my patience, and it's almost like I'm about to take a step back from the edge, think twice, and maybe take the bridge instead...

My social life. I have great friends. I love them all. At this moment, I don't need them. What I mean is, and call me selfish, I don't want to spend any time with them. It's not them, it's me. It's me wanting to crawl into myself. Not out of depression or narcissism, but because I want to be alone. I want to be by myself to play computer games and distract myself from myself. I don't have the energy to give anyone, and that's what is required of me when I spend time with people. I love them all, I don't want them to go away. I just want to be on Mars for a while.

I'm in love, and it's something that is going to haunt me for the rest of my life because it's something that will never be a part of my life. It's just an emotion I have right now. He's not EVER going to be a part of my life in the way that I want, and now, we've changed something that takes him further away from me. Which is fine, and there are other men in the world that will love me more, and for who I am, not who I should be, but they'll never be him. More limbo. I miss him already.

Do I want to be with someone? That's an even bigger question. Do I actually WANT it? I don't think I do. I don't think I have the strength and energy to upkeep a relationship with someone. I want things to come to me, I'm tired of going after them myself. I want to be the recipient of energy and love instead of giving it away freely. I want to be the tough egg to crack. Can I do that or will I just cave in?

All these things seem to leave me feeling like I'm in a place that's in the middle. Neither here nor there, not going forward and not going back. It's like my head is being pulled in a million directions at the same time, which causes a lot of pressure and pain and angst, yet I'm not moving at all. Is this the start of a nervous breakdown? Or am I just feeling sorry for myself.

Well, after all, I AM a paranoid histrionic narcissistic hypochondriac.

Chalk it up to psychobabble. That will solve it.