I guess because I whine about the same thing over and over again. No biggie. At this point I think it would be ok if almost everyone dropped me from their lists. Maybe except for a few people who I've really felt out there. Need them.

It's a really sad sort of defeated feeling to know that you carried for almost a month the baby of someone you love with almost all your being. And now it's gone. So yeah. That's something I'll always know. I carried Jackrabbits child. Wow, that's pretty heavy. I'm ok, to a point. I'm not over it. I'm not going to be. I spent this weekend away flinging around mood swings, swinging back and forth between wanting to push him away and wanting to bring him closer. I was mean to him, he was kinda mean sometimes too, but he's sick of it. I think he's growing tired of my wanting him. But we'll have a break. He's going away for the week and I'll be busy after today so it'll be some time away for both of us.

I feel like he's never as sad as I am about things, and he's not, really, since he said that his heart is admittedly not in the same place as mine. I'm pretty sure he doesn't love me anymore, and I'm not so sure he really did to start with, not really. He just relied on me, in a way.

A year ago, I never would have thought I would be here. A year ago, Chris broke up with me. Perpetually sad. Isn't it funny? Last year, at this time, when I was sad, I am sure I would have thought at least once, "I can't wait to be a year away from now. Then things will be good, I'll be happy then". But I'm not. So something's up. I think I invite sad. This is a problem.

I really have to stop focusing inward so much. I have to stop being self absorbed. My ego is out of control it seems. Everything hurts me, I can't seem to let anything go, laugh anything off. Well. Maybe I should just see a therapist finally. Give in. Just to talk to someone who knows how to sift through the stuff in my head, help me sort it out. Help me see what I need to do.

My computer at home is still mega fucked, but JR put together a makeshift one that will tide me over until I can organize getting my original one fixed. I think I need a new hard drive and a new power supply, since everything seemed to crap out all at once. So for the makeshift one, I just need a new fan for the CPU and we're all set. So I should have email and all that shite at home again. Yay. More ways to waste time. Hehe.

I'm seriously considering getting my cable back too. It's kinda lonely without TV. hehe. How pathetic is that? I miss movies on Pay per view and I miss just killing a little time watching something interesting. It just seems like an amount of money spent on nothing but air, and since I'd watch maybe 8 hours a week of TV all together, and how many hours in a week? So I'm kinda paying for nothing most of the time, and then 8 hours of something. Hmmm.