Oct. 06, 2003 - 9:22 a.m.
Mad, Sad, Mad, Sad, Mad, Sad...

I don't understand the cryptic comments. It's messing me up. I keep wondering, is it jackrabbit leaving messages for me? Is it someone else? If there's no name and I don't know who you are, I freak out a little bit.

Anyway, what does "or maybe not" refer to?

I was so angry yesterday. I can't believe how mad I was. At JR, at me, at this whole stupid thing. I wanted to slap him, shout at him, tell him I hate him, kiss him, hug him and just start all over, being friends.

It seems now he's the one that's messed up. He says getting emails from me hurts, and he's having a really hard time since we stopped speaking. That he misses me very much and that it's very difficult for him.

So now it seems that things have shifted a little bit. I'm ok now, I just miss him. But I'm happy to move on, and I see better things for me. He's the one that has to get over me now.

Despite how mad I was/still am a little, I HATE it when he hurts. I want to make it better, give him a hug and help him through this somehow. But the only way for him to get through this is to be away from me.

I hate that he has to get over me or that he wants to. But he's always been right, a relationship between us would be impossible. I can't live up to his expectations, and I would resent him forever for having to try to. So we would end up NOT friends in the long run, and I think that's a bigger loss than losing him as a lover.

I wonder if we'll still keep our silly pact - "if we're both single at 50, let's get together". It's sorta comforting. By that time, I think really, when you're in a relationship, you're mostly best friends with your partner anyway, cause sex isn't quite so pressing I think. Who knows, I'm not there, got a long way to go, 23 yrs...he's got fewer, 20. But it's so far away in the future...

I have a feeling though, that because we both love each other so much, even our friendship won't last. We'll both find partners sometime soon. Maybe me sooner than him (I went on a date last night), and then we won't have much time for eachother. I know his new girlfriend will hate that he is so close with someone he used to love so much. She'll probably ask him to choose between her and I. I don't think that I would want to be partners with someone insecure enough to ask me to choose, and what will suck for me, is that I'll always choose him. But he'll have to choose her, because that's the way women are and if he's dating someone it's because she's that rare and perfect creature he's been looking for, and that will be it. Or we'll just grow apart, lose touch with each other, and we'll never see each other again.

That's the saddest thing of all. I hate this. I hate it so much.

old bitching - random - new bitching

Reads Like:
Wuthering Heights, Pride and Prejudice, Walking on Glass - sigh.
Sounds Like:
tapping of keyboards, air conditioners, copier ticking, someone put a pen down, kicked a drawer accidentally
Feels Like:
guts all wrenched up

2 fussbugets said...



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