I've said lately that before I met Jackrabbit things were really starting to go well for me. I was feeling good about myself, and attractive and all that stuff.

HERE is the entry that describes it. Not that I haven't ever felt good about myself since him, but I was making good headway on my self esteem and then I was dumped for being too chubby. That set me back significantly, and made such a major change in my life.

But here's the question, or the answer. I allowed it to set me back. I didn't say "what the fuck? you're an idiot, get out of my house" and go on. Instead, I believed him. I let it sink in. I guess my skin wasn't strong enough yet. Maybe if that had happened to me a month later, I would've been fine.

But the past is the past. So that's the way my life went.

I made some goals yesterday. One of them, a long term goal, was to be happy alone. To be whole by myself. That's not easy. But I can do it, I just have to appreciate myself as I am, and that I'm not missing something by not being in a relationship.

I sometimes feel like I missed out on a lot because I've had so few meaningful relationships based on actual like for each other, rather than just fucking for a week or less.

But then I think maybe it was an opportunity for me to form myself into a whole person, and I missed that opportunity more than I missed the relationships.

I can be happy independently, I have to trust myself.