I am having a manic moment. I was fine 15 minutes ago, and now, suddenly I feel like crying and ripping out my hair. Has nothing to do with the audition I just sucked at, as a matter of fact, on the way home I was noticing what a beautiful day it is. It's fresh and cool and the sun is shining.

The air is clean today.
My breath is clean today.

So why am I so down? I think I'm down because I've fallen in love with someone I can't have, and the reason I can't have him is so fucking stupid and superficial that I have to scream to release the frustration. It makes my head hurt. I am a sucker for punishment, and it's like I walk into this stuff. It's like I invite tragedy into my life, make it comfortable and give it somewhere to put it's feet up. And the fucking SICKEST thing is that he pretty much loves me too.

There was this theory that I've always had about men and me. They find me sexy and womanly and I turn them on. They find me warm and soft and comforting and cozy and they want to fuck me. What they don't want me for is a girlfriend. I'm not something they can show off to their friends, or be proud of in public.

I'm what they all secretly desire. I'm what their animal instinct lizard brain wants. Their social conformity and desire for social superiority and acceptance demands that they have a thin, unpleasant girlfriend, so they can say, hey she's hot yeah woo my girlfriend is hot, and then fuel the male bonding and comradery by complaining about their ball n chains together over beer. It makes perfect sense.

Well, guys, the hotness goes, and when we're all 50, they won't be tight asses anymore, and then guess what you're stuck with? An unpleasant fat 50 year old girlfriend.

So give me a break guys ok? Bodies change, people don't. I'm a fucking dream girlfriend too. I love hockey, I play Playstation, I drink beer. Bodily functions don't phase me, and I think kung fu is cool. What more do ya want?