This is turning out to be a fabulous day.

I'm contemplating calling it quits with the guy who apparently is an abusive control freak according to everyone I know.

My mother says tell him to be a man and get his act together. Jackrabbit says that I'm becoming my mother and kowtowing to him in a passive way. My father says I'm a great girl, I'm intelligent, I'm good looking and that I don't need that shit. My friends say it's time for him to tell people or just tell him to get lost.

Easier said than done.

If he would just get some balls and tell his friends about us, things would be fucking normal. Everyone else knows about us. His mother and father, my mother, all my friends, my coworkers. I was spotted by people from BOTH my places of employment when we went for dinner a while back. Everyone knows except three people. And those three people are making my life a hell.

I feel like I have to play games here. I feel like, in order for him to realize how much this relationship might mean to him, he's going to have to lose me. He's going to have to realize that he WILL lose me if something doesn't change. Otherwise he's taking me for granted.

I told him that the other night. I told him that I felt like since he knew I wouldn't just up and dump him, that he was taking me for granted, assuming I would always be there.

I hate that I have all this time to think about things all day long. I need to occupy my mind otherwise.

I write speeches, I get the guts up, but by the time the work day is over, the guts are gone, back into the mire in my belly where they become bogged down again by fear and insecurity.

FUCK. I hate myself some days.