He's not very smart, it seems. He's nice enough, but we don't have anything to talk about. We just kinda umm ahh, sorta. I asked him if he'd read any good books lately. He said No. I can't date someone that doesn't READ. I read soo much and wow, I just couldn't do that.

I don't know. I guess the dumb jock thing won't work for me. I'm still going to meet up with him if he comes out here, because as I said, he IS a nice guy and all and it's not like he's a jerk or anything. And I shouldn't write him off just based on one bad conversation.

We'll see. I'm still struggling with the tug of war that is 'should I stay friends with Jackrabbit or let him go".

What's weird is the group of friends. It's like a breakup, it really is. Who gets custody of the friends? Is it good etiquette for me to bow out of the group because they were his friends first? They like me. Sometimes they complain about him. AUGH. I feel like I've swooped in and torn up this little group. Trevor and Jackrabbit are no longer acquaintances. Ryan and Trevor had a moment. I don't know. I like those guys, there's no pretention among them at all. They're pretty real. Well, I suppose I'll worry about that when the time comes.

I sent him a couple of emails. One was a reply to his comment that he'll call me on Sep 1 and if I don't want to be friends at that point he'll understand. I said "what if you don't want to be friends with ME?" he said, "I'll call you either way". I asked him if he could please handle all this with a little more kindness, and I also sent him a note mentioning the lyrics of The Scientist and how they applied so much now. His reply was "if you want a scab to heal you have to stop picking it".

I feel like he's being utterly heartless. He's pushing me away, and it's starting to work. My resentment is not getting smaller, it's getting bigger. I don't have him here being himself to remind me that his presence in my life was worth trying to get over the resentment. Now, it seems to be backfiring. He wanted me to get over the resentment, but maybe I'm now finding other things to resent him for. The treatment of this situation, the silent treatment, this excommunication, which was my idea, but at his suggestion a while ago, his coldness. I never treated him like this through ALL the shit that I went through with him at the beginning.

I want to shake him till his brain rattles and then maybe he'll understand.

But even then I doubt it.

What's a weird feeling is, ten years from now, looking back on this, will I look back and think "I wonder what he's doing now" or will I call him up and say, "god, remember what children we were?"

The sad part is, the former question seems more realistic.

How will I feel on September 1st? I can guarantee the week before that I'll be the biggest wreck ever. Stewing over whether he'll decide to never see me again, or if I'll decide. Or what. When i see him for the first time, will he hug me or will he push me away? I truly feel like he's the type to hold a grudge. And he's given himself plenty of reason to hold one against me.

I should have thrown him out of my apartment the day he told me that he couldn't get over the weight. Motherfucker. My weakness then is the direct cause of all this.

I never yelled at him, just gave him contempt. I should have railed. I should have screeched on that day back in November 2002 "GET OUT OF MY HOUSE YOU SHALLOW MOTHERFUCKING PIECE OF SHIT. PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON, GET YOUR SKINNY MEAN AND CRUEL ASS OUT OF MY HOME" and then I should have pushed him out my door and slammed it in his face.

Then I wouldn't be in this mess now. But I didn't because I was already in love with him. And because I couldn't do that to him. I wanted to make him see, convince him that he was wrong.