I wish he would think a little bit. I can't really get mad at him, but I asked him not to do that anymore.

He just thought I would want to see what she looks like now.

It's pretty obvious to me that I am not going to be able to have a normal friendship with him. I think it's defeatist to think this way, but I just hate him more and more. I refuse to accept that appearance is more valuable than personality and intelligence. I agree that it's part and parcel of attraction to someone, but when you already love them, what's the point?

It's at a point where I believe no compliment he pays me. The compliments he pays me are roundabout insults to me now.

"there are some beautiful things about you". not "you are beautiful".

He actually once told me that one of the reasons he decided not to try with me was that if I paid him a compliment, he wanted to be able to compliment me back, and he felt that he couldn't do that sincerely. He couldn't even pay me a fucking compliment and mean it.

Oh yeah, and I don't have brown nipples.

He actually had the nerve to say to me, after we had both been crying in each others arms and feeling really bad and I was very vulnerable "you just aren't my type". Although I am his type enough that he wants to fuck me and he was somehow able to fall in love with me.

I am so angry. I am so furious. I know that I have to let go of the anger to move forward, but that's just not going to happen any time soon. I'm so full of vinegar and bitterness and resentment. I feel this evil part of my heart that wants him to hurt SO MUCH. I hate it. I want him to be horribly rejected, cry like I've cried and FEEL something for once. I have no charity and mercy for him there, in that little black spot that belongs to him. It disgusts me that I feel like this.

I think he's going to be unhappy and alone for a long time, or go through a few more failed relationships before he finally sees what life and love and is really about. He thinks he's wise, but maybe in some respects, I am wiser.

Today is a down day. Today is going to be hard and emotional. Good, maybe I can use some of that in my scene for acting class tonight.

The lawyer called me last night at 1am. Woke me up. I should have said that I couldn't talk, that I was sleeping. But it was the first contact I'd had with him all day. No emails or anything earlier. I admit that I felt neglected or forgotten, but I can't always feel like that, since he DOES have a life of his own. haha. So I talked to him for about an hour and then passed out, and I could NOT get up this morning. I miss him.

Jackrabbit thinks I am putting the bug in the lawyer's ear giving him reason to be angry at JR. But JR needs to know that the lawyer was angry at him from the beginning, when he knew what was going on between JR and I. Before the lawyer even met me, he was annoyed and felt that JR was dicking me around and treating me like shit. That opinion hasn't changed, and it has nothing to do with what I have said. The lawyer forms his own opinions. One thing is certain, I can't just sway him with words, he's too strong minded for that.