Chris is moving to Curacao in 5 weeks to work for an internet company there. I'm totally devastated, once again. I want to be happy for him, but it seems like his life is just coming together for him and everything is working out, while mine is falling apart and gone to shit, with no aspect of getting any better. I'm struggling for money and he's getting a whopping cheque when his parents sell their cabin. He's moving to a tropical place with a new job and great money. He's free, and I'm a prisoner of this job, this house and my own mind.

I have rehearsal tonight, but I am still sick and I can't seem to get better. I'm still coughing everytime I open my mouth, and it looks like I am going to have to miss the first set of concerts this weekend. That's pretty upsetting, I was really looking forward to it. Maybe I should just quit the choir. I can't afford the membership anyway.

I have to get my aunt to co-sign for my mortgage, if they'll accept her, which she doubts. Maybe we should just sell the place after all. How agonizing.

I can't seem to get healthy. Maybe it's because I don't really care whether I do or not. Chris was begging me to go see a doctor last night, but I really can't be bothered. It'll run its course, and it's a pain, and I hate it, but I want to go through it. Just another thing that I am going to deal with rather than bury and patch up with quick fixes. I feel my being sick has a lot to do with my body being thrashed by grief and if I let the sickness run its course, when I'm finally well, I'll also be emotionally better too.

I don't want to be depressed again. I was depressed for so long in my life, and I don't want to hole up, but I don't want to do anything else either. I feel so totally useless. I can't even run or anything right now, my lungs are so bad. I just cough and cough until it hurts and I have to stop moving.

I want Chris's life to go to shit. I want him to lose his job, I want him to run out of options. I want him to struggle. It's not fair it's not fair it's not fucking fair. I'm so angry and disturbed and I want to punch him and kick him and make him bleed and beg for mercy. I want to starve to death.

I go home alone and I rail and scream and cry angry things and there's no-one there to hear them.