But now, I feel like there's so much I want to write back, my usual big long schpiel things, how I'm sad because three weeks ago I had an abortion, but I don't want to tell him I'm sad anymore. Because he doesn't see it as a real emotion in me. He sees it as me feeling sorry for myself.

I said once that I was just feeling sorry for myself, but I actually didn't really think so. I said it because I was tired and frustrated and I figured that's what he wanted to hear. So I just said it, and that made things infinitely worse.

I want to tell him about my class last night, about work today, all kinds of things, but I don't want to write this big long email that he feels obligated to read and obligated to reply to simply because I sent him one. That's why he doesn't check his email till lunch anymore. Because when people send him emails he's compelled to reply to them and he doesn't want these to interfere with his day.

So I just say, I'm fine. Quiet here at work. Glad it's raining etc.

Why do things have to change? I mean the good things? Is it me that changed them? Or did they change without me and I forgot to change with them.