It's a weird day. I was an hour late for work this morning a) because I slept in by accident, and b) because it took an HOUR to get to work on the bus. So I left the house at 8:20, got to work at 9:20. There was a power outage or something and the lights weren't working and they had to do the four way stop procedure which no one knows how to do in this damn city, so it took HALF AN HOUR to go 20 blocks.

I have cramps this morning. I feel bloated. I hate filing. I am desiging a cool invite for my first Stitch n Bitch party. Getting Tromley's learned design advice. I'm green, I don't know what I'm doing. I have the artistic eye, but no training so I make the pretty picture, he rips it up. :)

We hung out last night. It was sorta ok. We just have to stop getting stuck on the same subjects all the time. Which are Jana, Him and Me. It just upsets us both.

I'm still convinced that we would work out, it's extremely apparent to me that there's enough, a lot, between us to start something amazing.

But that's really beside the point and unrealistic of me to keep in mind. I hate seeing great potential go to waste.

Hmm, almost June. Less than three months till I'm done here. Almost my birthday. Almost a year since Trevor decided I wasn't worth the trouble anymore. I could track my life in disappointments. I could gauge time by heartbreaks. It was a year since this hurt me. A month since that.

I just want to eat all day. A lot. I've already eaten tons. Not really a lot of food, but a lot of calories. I guess. It's amazing how much you eat without eating very much these days. I had a bagel with a scrambled egg and some cheddar on it. That's like half my day's ration of food according to the almighty eye of Weightwatchers. Then I had a smoothie, half of the rest of my day's food. And I haven't had lunch yet, really. Maybe I'll just screw it and eat what I want today. I have cramps and I'm bloated and retaining water. I have yoga tonight. I've gone every day this week so far, and I think I can continue. Let's see if I can keep it up to every day this week? (Well, not sat and sun, sat is work all day, sun is running day and playland day!!!)

I was depressed last night. I felt very disconnected. I wish I could explain or put my finger on why I feel so completely separate from everyone else. Like I don't belong anywhere. I'm unsettled, and in the wrong skin again. I have almost given up on ever really losing weight and being slim enough to really be a successful actor. There you go Jackrabbit.

You were right, it was unrealistic of me to ever think that I was good enough to be successful. I was a fool, I always have been, and I always will be.

I can't even get an agent. Probably because they take one look at my weight, think, this girl won't work just from walking through the door, it's too much work for me, I don't want her.

They haven't even called me in to read, they don't know. I hate the business of acting, absolutely hate it. It's cruel, it's nearsighted, they lack vision, originality, creativity, faith. It's no longer about art and expression. Was it ever? Probably not.

Anyway, there are films being made that I should be in because I'm better, but I'm not because I'm bigger.

OOOOH the bitterness is rank today. It feels like rancid oil on my skin.