I was terrified, and I had no reason to be. I thought it would uncomfortable and weird and he would be aloof and distant.

But it and he was none of the above. He was 10 minutes late and that's it. It was maybe a little uncomfortable for the first 5 minutes. Then we decided to stay in and have tea rather than go out because it's free. So I got into comfies and made peach/orange herbal tea, which he ended up saying was the best fuckin tea he'd ever had.

I hugged him after a little bit and he expressed that he was much relieved as he wanted to hug me but wasn't sure if he should.

The conversation was excellent. We chatted pretty much non-stop until about 12:30. Laughed joked, discussed my education, his parents. He extended the idea to stay in contact with each other by offering to assist me with my essays, which I am sure will take me a while to get back into the swing of. And either he is a VERY good actor, or he genuinely misses me, genuinely still likes me, and genuinely thinks I look really really good. He was impressed with my body's progress.

We didn't talk about Jackrabbit much after all. The night was going so well and we were having such a great conversation and things felt so good that I didn't want to start an argument or start the bad feelings up. He's pretty aware that JR is pissed at him. He didn't say anything, but I now know that everything I say and have ever said, he seems to remember with great clarity and it impacts him strongly.

In one email I had sent him after the breakup, I suggested that maybe he did me a favour. He mentioned it last night in a way that made me realize saying that had probably hurt him a lot. I don't know if Ryan and JR were the real reason he broke up with me, but I am pretty convinced that it wasn't because he wasn't interested anymore.

When he was leaving we hugged for a very very long time, and I kissed his cheek and he kissed mine back, like he had been wanting to do that for a while, just waiting for the OK.

Funny thing is, I'm ok. I was sad, I felt a little nostalgic and yes, I want him back, but I wasn't all depressed and selfloathing and crying and shit. We had such a good night and it felt so nice to be around each other and talk with each other like we used to that I couldn't feel anything but good. I'm so comfortable with him, and I feel sexy and beautiful and smart and in control and responsible and like I've really made a great life for myself. I guess from the perspective of someone younger who lives at home, I have. I own a condo, I'm almost a 'grownup!!', I have a decent job, nice things, I look after myself, I seem to have a good time doing my thing, I'm intelligent, well read, fairly informed, I'm about to embark on getting a very sexy degree, and perhaps moving on to a very well paid and sexy profession (law).

I AM a good deal!!! heh.

Anyway, I feel good at the moment, felt ok last night. Sometimes I surprise even myself.

Mitch and I are taking a 2 hour lunch to go to the jazz fest at the art gallery. I can think of worse ways to spend the workday...hehe.