I had a massage last night and the headaches are WORSE today. Fuck.

I was in the worst mood ever last night. I feel like there's a hypocrit present in my life. Or at least someone who is full of shit.

They say they like women with some flesh on them, they say they think skinny girls are unattractive (I am not referring to JR here..), YET, in any given room with women in it, he b-lines it straight to the tallest, thinnest, prettiest girl there, and then busts his ass to flirt as best he can.

It's terribly obvious. It's also lame of me to notice such a thing, but I had noticed it before on a couple of occasions, and it was after I had noticed it that we had the "thin girls are unattractive" conversation. Interesting. He was one of the fellows we ended up naked with last sunday, fooling around like roman dignitaries.

I somehow feel brutal now. I suddenly have dislike for this person I've adored for two years. It's bothering me that I'm so changeable, but it seems these days that I have no tolerance anymore for people who bring me pain. I have enough, I don't need it added to.

I'm so short tempered. Ill tempered. Angry, frustrated, tired, no - exhausted, lonely, unhappy and I can't see my life for what it's worth. People have been telling me a lot lately that I've got it together. That I've got a great job, I've got my condo, I'm taking care of business, I'm beautiful, strong, capable, that I've got my shit together.

So why can't I be happy? What have I done so wrong in my life and the formation of my personality that no matter what I seem to realize, I can't stay happy for very long?

I come to all kinds of conclusions and realizations and understandings and revelations and they make sense, for a while, but then the sense fades and I go back to feeling the way I felt before. Maybe worse, maybe different, but never happy, not for long.

Maybe humans aren't supposed to be happy? Or maybe I'm not supposed to be happy..there are bigger things for me than this place. Maybe this is an ordinary world, and my mind has been in extraordinary places, and now this Mundania feels wrong and uninspired and awkward.

Then again, there are sunsets, and snowstorms, and wild animals, and massive trees that grow from tiny tiny seeds, and humans that grow from tiny tiny seeds, and there's nothing mundane about that.