I think it's unfair to ask someone to decide their own ultimatum. I think that's self righteous haughty bullshit.

After I sent him an email with that song by AnnieLennox, explaining the small catharsis it caused, he sent me a reply to an earlier email I sent asking him how I could possibly give myself an ultimatum. He told me that he thought I could make an ultimatum for him and he wanted me to.

I think he's afraid to give me the ultimatum himself, he can't bring himself to do it, so he's trying to make me do it to save himself the pain.

I made one last ditch effort today to save a friendship. Here's MY ULTIMATUM. If he can't rise to this and continues his haughty disapproval (I just spoke to him on the phone telling him he needs to read the important email I just sent and he met me with chilly and cold response, that tone of voice that says - you've done something bad, you go stand in the corner and think about it) then I shall end the friendship. It will be obvious to me that I'm not worth it for him, and I don't want friends/people in my life that don't think I'm worth something.

I am so tired of this. Really.

I also saw Trevor last night after his chilly email to me about the sentimental one I sent him. He was really kind and friendly, told me he thought I should hang out with them more often, that it was really good to see me. I wasn't very receptive. I was just going to get out of the car at my place after he dropped me off but he made a move to hug me so I let him. I wanted to cry all over him about jackrabbit and him and where I am in my life.

Oh I play the happy content girl so well sometimes I even fool myself. But then I come to work where I have time to think too much and that's just what I do. I think about things and I cry at my desk and want to go home, leave the country, leave the planet. Never come back.

Everyone is irritating me today. People keep coming up to my desk and asking me for things, talking to me. Etc. I want to scream, fuck off!! GO AWAY for FUCK'S SAKE just leave me alone for once. FUCK.

I hate that I don't have an office and I don't have any privacy. There are no doors I can shut if I want some peace. I'm in the traffic area, where everyone walks past me a billion times a day, feels forced to make small talk, which forces me to make small talk. And then I just seem bitchy. I don't want to be here.