Our interaction, our dynamic, has changed so much, enough, that I'm not sure I have an interest in re-developing a friendship. I'm sure he'll read this and feel bad but I can't imagine having any kind of healthy friendship.

If I know myself, it's this:

I don't really forgive, truly. I do, on the surface. In my life, I've been willing to 'overlook' my own hurt for the greater purpose. To be an adult/mature about things. So I maintain civil, friendly, jovial, goofy, friendship-like contact. But inside I torture myself. I wonder things. I drive myself mental with self loathing over what happened.

I have to learn to take better care of myself, and live not for the benefit of those I wish to avoid hurting, but for myself only. Perhaps the way to be happy is allowing myself to be completely alone in my body instead of letting in all these people that are given some kind of passkey they abuse. Physically and emotionally.

I did this with Jackrabbit. I will always have that something or other inside, that "a mistake was made. you were wrong, you chose wrong." feeling. I'll always resent Jana. I'll always resent Tromley. They are a unit, completely different. Tromley is not the same person.

He used to be Tromley. Now he's TromleyandJana. So really, effectively, the guy that I embraced and gave that fucking key to doesn't exist anymore. He's dead. This new creature is something else, and it's something I don't think I want to embrace.

And Dan? Where the hell are you?