Nov. 13, 2003 - 1:05 p.m.
The Pep talk sinks in today

Alraaaaaaaaight.

Instead of waiting for a thousand years for Chris to maybe sent me some antivirus software and firewall stuff, my aunt has offered to pay for one in return for some time showing her how to use her own computer. I can do that.

So I went out and bought the virus software. Only cost $75 and that's including a firewall. I also bought a sound card, so yes, I will be able to hear things at home!!!!!

I can't wait to get home now. I am almost tempted to give my evening shift at the theatre away to go home and play, but that would be irresponsible.

So I can finally try to install the new 40gig harddrive in this crap computer at home, get it secure, and give JR back his.

That will mean that I won't have any need for any of his things anymore. I can give him back his books, his Cerebus the Aardvaark (sp?), his hoodies and his hard drive. I don't think I have anything else of his. This is now one step closer to deciding if I can stand being friends with him.

I think about it a lot. What it will be like to be friends with him. It will never never never be the same as it was. There will always be an awkwardness. When he gets a girlfriend, I won't really want to hang around, despite how great she might be. I might not be so likely to compare myself, because I'm getting better I think, but still, who likes to watch their loves kiss other people? Who likes to look at someone and know that they know the love of your life intimately and are calling out his name and begging him to fuck them hard.

I don't.

We won't be cuddly like we were because that will be too much for us, too remeniscient of how good we felt to each other. I don't want to get close enough to smell him.

At the same time, I want to be around him. It would be a good lesson in loving myself. Because I allowed the things he said and did to affect me on a personal level and I took them to heart and took them hard and felt worthless. Instead, I can just see how insecure he is, and how critical and trapped in his own criticisms he is, and how no-one will ever be good enough for him, or just right, there will always be something wrong. That it was probably him all along, not me. I can look at him and try my best to know that I am beautiful, that I am sexy, and intelligent and funny and fun and good hearted and good natured and that my body LOOKS great, and my breasts are fucking awesome no matter how big/small. And I'm worthy of insane love from someone who loves me just as much as I love them. That this does exist and it's not too much to expect.

There's that pep talking again, but maybe today it's easier to believe.

It's sunny out.

old bitching - random - new bitching

Reads Like:

Sounds Like:
Sunflower - Low
Feels Like:
full tummy - carrots lettuce and MMMEEEEAAAT

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