I had a glass of Amarula and Milk with ice, and about 2/3 a bag of Peanut Butter MnM's. Those things are INSANELY morish.

So I ate more.

I do this thing: I plan the future. I plan to join the YMCA next to my school and my first class isn't until 10:30. So I plan to go to the gym every morning. I plan to ride my bike over there and back daily. I plan to buy less food and eat more packed lunches, which means I'll be eating a little more healtfully.

Notice, in that paragraph, how many times I said the word 'plan'. I've 'planned' to lose weight since I was 14 for pete's sake. Why start now? Well, perhaps getting out of this rut I've been in for the last three years might do it?

I need to find that space that's just about me. I have to start being just for me, and doing everything just for me. Not for Tromley, not for Jackrabbit (who I'm angry with again today - he made me so conscious of things that I wasn't conscious of before. He made me regret my breast reduction, he made me hate myself in ways I couldn't have imagined before I met him - hmm, no he didn't MAKE me, he allowed me to hate myself, which is a crime in itself, probably worse), not for an acting career. But because I feel better.

I can't just keep wishing I were this person or that person. I just have to BE the person I want to be.