Just maturity as well. And I don't mean to say that I'm mature, not by any means, gods forbid, but just in idividual ways. My writing is so much better. I do type faster too, incidentally. I seem a little less naive, at least to myself, reading some of the shit I used to think. But I'm sure that when I look back at this time two years from now, I'll be equally as befuddled about some of the ideas I hold at present.

I think I know myself a lot more than I used to. Instead of just floating through my life changing every five minutes, I think there are things about me that are now quite definite. Things that I like and dislike which I'm not so willing to bend on anymore. I think this just has to do with me solidifying as a person. I always said that people never know who they really are until their 30's. I guess I was right. So I'm not quite there yet either.

You want to know what I bought yesterday? This is something I wouldn't have dared to buy years ago because I'd be too afraid of what people would think of me wearing them. Although I haven't worked out the outfit for them yet..

Baby pink rubber wellies. That's right folks, wellingtons, gumboots, rubber boots, whatever you want to call them.

They're pink.

They're highly justifyable, since this is a rainy-assed city. I just couldn't resist. I had seen some rainbow ones I loved way back, and they were something ridiculous like $150 - forget it - but these were $40 and had a little buckle and strap. SOLD!

Yep. I feel somewhat stunted in some ways, with my maturity though. I think that because I hid behind a girl that wasn't me throughout my teens and early 20's, I never explored myself at that age. So in some ways, I'm doing it now. No one, looking at me, would guess I'm in my late 20's, nearly 30. I have a confidence now that I only prayed to come near when I was 19 or 20. I never had the body, and I'm getting that now. I never had the belief that I was worth anything, and I have this now. It's like I was shut down for 10 years, cryogenically, and I'm now awake again, suddenly 18 and ready to take on the world, to begin life as an adult.

I mean, I'm starting university, isn't that what 18 year olds do?

I'm almost invariably attracted to younger guys, or younger LOOKING guys, that body type.

Hey, you know how people say "if only I could be 18 again and know what I know now."

Maybe I can do this? I mean, not quite 18, but I can still pass for 22-25 somewhere in there. Perhaps I can live my life knowing what I know now, but then? Yeah, that made a lot of sense... gah.

But you get the gyst. I'll never grow up, never!!