I guess life changes pretty drastically from here on in. No more speaking, no more anything it seems; it looks like we go our separate ways from here. At least that's what it looks like.

It's going to take a while for that to normalize. It's been discussed that we never built any foundation whatsoever and that we were both too selfish and fucked up and fucking around and in denial so that's why we couldn't build a foundation. So again I feel cheated. That feeling like you think something is one way all along but you find out in the end that it wasn't true at all, ever and that it was a lie. You feel like you lost something. So now, not only is my loss just loss anyway, but it never existed to begin with. Maybe that should cancel out the loss, because I haven't lost anything if I never had it to begin with. I do think though, that if we had the time, we would have sorted ourselves out and begun that foundation. But we just didn't have the time.

I have to go for dinner with my aunt today. I don't want to. She's crazy and she's a crazy driver and I constantly think I'm going to die when I'm in her car, and I can take a lot of bad driving, but she's just plain dangerous. I think I'll take the bus up to dinner. I have a death wish, I know, but dying in a burning twisted and painful wreckage is not how I want to go.

Nobody's emailing me today, I've had a couple but very very few, and I always feel cut off when that happens because I have so little to do but sit here and consume oxygen. And be paid a lot for it. I don't feel comfortable anymore. I just want to be done. A week and a half left.

The idea of comfort food is exceedingly appealing at the moment. I could use a box of Kraft Dinner or fettucini alfredo with chicken, and apple cobbler, still hot, with ice cream. But I know that if I eat those things I'll feel horribly guilty and again I'll think I'm out of control and just doing myself in.

I hate that my tendrils feel stretched thin, and I hate that some of them have been cut. I miss the old days. I miss all kinds of old days. I miss being loved by someone.

I want to go back a year. A year ago I was doing really well, I think. Still an emotional mess I'm sure, but I had my weight under control. I was heading in the direction I wanted to be in. Now I'm starting in an unknown direction and though I know I want to be there, I'm not sure why or if it's right or what will work for me.

I'm just scared all day long now. I'm scared of losing people, I'm scared of losing myself in those people, I'm scared of being poor and losing my home because I couldn't pay for it. I'm scared that I'll gain 20 pounds because I become all brain and no braun. I'm scared that I'll fall so far into my need to withdraw that I'll never come back again and will remain a spinster the rest of my life. I'm scared that everything anyone has ever told me has been a lie.

Fear is a powerful force and it knows all the tricks to keep you down. I have started to find this little black pit familiar, I think "oh yes, you again" and settle down into that groove on the floor that my ass has worn in over the years.

Yeah it's dark but maybe it's warm and does fit so very well to my ass.

Fuck, what a depressing, dull person I'm becoming.