Jul. 10, 2004 - 3:18 p.m.
a place to rest my heart and head

It's a long short day. I feel like I have so far to go till the end of it, and I do, in a way. I have an audition. I have to finish work first. I have a tattoo drawing to sit through. I have some movies to watch.

I ate a large doughnut and now I feel extremely ill.

I have an audition today, not the one I was called for. This one is a professional lesbian. I don't mean she's paid to be a lesbian, I mean, she's a lesbian, and a professional. So all high class looking and stylish. The script is not very good. There are lines like "who's your role model?" "Mohammed Ali because he made his enemies spiritual teachers" or something like that.

I feel weird today too. Like I'm not really here. I'm doing things without my presence. Like, my body is doing things without my brain's permission or involvement.

Like the doughnut. I had oatmeal for breakfast. I feel tired. Like I want to sleep. This is the part where I start to find reasons not to go to this audition.

And this is when I start to actually wonder if Gibson will call me this weekend. Or if Tromley misses me. Or if Jackrabbit has been thinking about me lately.

I start to wonder where I fit into this world again. Because I don't feel like I'm a part of it at the moment. I'm just here, doing things, answering phones, making noise, feeding myself.

I want to sleep. I want to read. I want to disappear backwards into a fog that will hold me up while I rest my mind and my heart. The fog that has to take the place of someone else's lap, the fog that I have to be content with to keep me safe and enclose me while I sort through my life. I suppose a real person's lap wouldn't know what I was feeling anyway. But somehow, a lap is warm and living.

Fog is just cold air.

old bitching - random - new bitching

Reads Like:
the green mile - though I left it at home
Sounds Like:
CBC Saturday at the Opera
Feels Like:
i can't see out of the fog, and that's ok

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