Mar. 10, 2003 - 12:32 p.m.
Fear of Reality

First things first:

I am an asshole.

Now to the entry.

Why can't I calm down? Why am I so reluctant to just give myself over and trust someone completely? What's the matter with me?

People everywhere spend their lives looking for someone to love and be with (hopefully) forever. It's why we're so worried about being attractive that it's changed our society into this crazy looks oriented thing. Success for a huge portion of the population is based on the ability to land a man or woman. In the UK, it's all the girls think about. If you don't have a man, you're nothing.

I guess I grew up in a strange place. Vancouver people are pretty cold when it comes to relationships. There are three women to every one guy in this city, there's an advertisement for the relocation committees...

This makes them pretty lame about long term relationships. Even guys from the East end of canada are much more long term oriented. Anyway, they are very reluctant to commit even to "boyfriend" status. They just want to be "seeing eachother" or "dating". Or in reality, getting regular sex and showing off to their buddies.

Anyway, it's refreshing to see men that want it all, the wife, the kids, the house the one woman for the rest of his life thing. It seems that a lot of American guys are like this. Or maybe it's just guys who are not Vancouverites. I think it's pretty amazing.

It's also a hard idea to get used to. I thought my whole life that's what I want. A guy who loves me like mad and me only and that's it for as long as we live. But now I'm faced with that idea, and it scares me a lot more than I thought it would.

My mother has been married three times. My aunt hates men. My mother's first husband, my father, cheated on her in her own bed. She caught them. My mother has subsequently dated nothing but control freaks because if they're always with her, she's always with them, no chance of cheating.

And I, being a histronic narcissist, imagine every worst scenario possible. What if I fall out of love? What if I love someone so much it kills me, and then one day things change? I would rather die than cause someone that kind of hurt. That's diabolical.

What do I do to get over all this terror?

old bitching - random - new bitching

Reads Like:
a weight on my chest crushing the life out of me
Sounds Like:
Modest Mouse - Custom Concern
Feels Like:
I'm doing everything wrong

3 fussbugets said...



Site Meter