Mar. 19, 2004 - 10:32 p.m.
Release

It's 10:56 pm on friday night. I'm at Tromley's house and he's in bed and I was but I couldn't sleep. I think I want to leave but I'm not sure how to do this gracefully.

Maybe I'll just sleep on the couch/futon thing out here. There's a really warm afgan on it, and it's comfortable enough.

There are pictures of his ex all over his house. I really must make a vow of some kind to not come here anymore.

I went to my first yoga class tonight of the 9 weeks that I now have an unlimited pass to. I feel fantastic physically. It was so amazing I was so focused and so present and I felt a real release in a lot of ways,

In the beginning 5 minutes we sat in easy pose just breathing and relaxing and Lydia, the instructor was talking us through it. She kept saying my matra phrase, "let go". And I did. Tears rolled down my face as I ujai breathed and I didn't feel bad, I didn't feel depressed, I just felt release. Like

ahhhhhhhhhhhhh

Like I had been holding a breath full of tears forever and this was the first time I could open my mouth, release the pressure on my lungs and let the water free.

And it's not the same as crying. I cry all the time, but it never felt like this. I didn't feel despair and loneliness. I didn't feel loss, or lost, I didn't want to curl up and die. I just let go. If for a moment, anyway.

I'm going again tomorrow I think. Definitely on Monday night, maybe sunday afternoon? I want to go at least 4 or 5 times a week. if I can have a small release like this every time, or as often as possible, I can see me being a much more whole person somewhere down the line.

Not to mention my hips released a lot, my back released a lot. I'm going to feel it tomorrow though...

Namaste.

old bitching - random - new bitching

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