Birthday was fun. Had slurpees on the beach with rum in them, remeniscient of being 14 again. Halved my age.

Frustration is still there. I still feel like there's just too much in there, between us. Not just me. It's not that there's hope or more hope or whatever it is. It's just that feeling, the connection that is more than what we like to think. I think.

I was 10 minutes EARLY for work today. I stayed at Trom's on the futon wishing he would join me but knowing he wouldn't. I don't feel as horrid as I thought I would today. I feel ok.

I feel worse about spending all the money I spent yesterday shopping. Naughty. The shoes I bought are ripping up my feet. How do you soften up leather?

Anyway. There's still regret. There's still this disappointment that we could have been forever and never got the chance to try. He said one of the reasons to be with her and not me is that she's proven herself already, and my counter to that was, "you never gave me that chance". That's true. How can I prove myself when I haven't been given the opportunity? And I would have.

I still feel a bit gypped. Jipped? Bah. I still feel a bit ripped off, like if we had given this any significant amount of time that would have been all we needed and we'd be off on this road together. And happily.

You said you love me. You're sorry you can't be with me. Then you muttered something else after that and it sounded like "but I'm happy". Was that it? I'm sorry you can't be with me either, and I am glad you are happy. I just hope you know you would have been happy with me too.