How do you deal with anger that's just there? There's no source of my anger, unless it's myself. I have nothing to direct the anger to because what I'm angry about isn't their fault.

I guess I just feel like it's injustice somehow, selfishly. If I were buddhist, if I were zen, I'd be happy that he's trying to sort out things with his one true love. But I'm not buddhist and I'm not zen. I'm not happy for him. I'm not happy for her. I don't know her, and I don't care about her happiness. That makes me an unpleasant person, but I guess I feel what I feel? I don't know. I always thought I had compassion for almost anything that was hurting, but I guess I just have nothing left to share right now.

I hate feeling second. I've always felt second my whole life. To my friends, to my brother, to my mother, to partners.

With JR I was second to someone who doesn't even exist in his life. Trevor I was second to a woman he was 'lovin' before we got together and she now lives in Prince George, and I was second to his principles which were not really principles anyway. With Chris I was second to his computers, and then to his sociopathy.

I've always felt second to people I know because they were better looking than me, thinner than me, funnier than me, more well liked than me, in high school - cooler than me. I've always felt that I've never been worth it for people. I suppose you could argue against that with JR where he felt that all this frustrating anger and resentment and various things, he still felt I was worth remaining friends with. But it wasn't enough for me. Maybe I want too much.

I don't deal well with things like this, it breaks my heart because I have put so many people first in my life.

I guess I haven't put the most important person first though. Me.

Anyway.

If they get back together (well, by that time, I won't have seen him for a month and maybe it won't bother me so much) I'll be pretty upset. At this point, friendship is impossible because when I'm around him, I want more than friendship, and I learned my lesson the first time I did this.

That if I am into someone, if I want them, trying to 'just be friends' is death for the friendship. I can't 'just be friends' and this time I'm not going to try.

When he and his ex get back together, being friends with them and being around what I lost because of her is not going to be cool. At least not as I am now.

I wonder if I'll get any angry email telling me I'm a liar and horrible now, since the last time we talked I said I was ok. I was ok then. But now I'm not.