I drink when I'm finished drinking. Another glass of gin, another beer? Ok. Half a bottle of wine more than the whole bottle I just finished off. Shots of tequila? I just had three, why not three more? Martinis. Pimms. I don't do it often, but when I do, I do it well and truly.

When something is good and requires patience, I push. I push like it's a wheelbarrow full of bricks: clumsily. It teeters and I shuffle and shamble to bring it right again, but I'm still pushing and shoving and groaning and strainging against its weight. When really it was meant to be pulled, and by something much stronger and all I had to do was wait. And if I had waited, my load of bricks would have been delivered to me, and I could have built a foundation with them. Instead I push and I can't sustain the weight on my own and the bricks come tumbling out. There's just too many to pick up.

I make plans that are too unattainable for me. I plan to go to yoga 7 days a week. I make it to two. Because I have high expectations and nothing in the bank to cash them with. I let myself down like that constantly. Biting off more than I can chew.

I ignore what's bothering me. I let it stew and then one day I crap out and flip out and it makes the problem worse instead of dealing with it right away so that it doesn't have the opportunity to fester.

I procrastinate till the end. I put things off and off and sometimes don't do them at all. Finishing what I start is a good idea, and yet most of the time I can't seem to do it. I have all these wonderful ideas. Art ideas, business ideas, whatever they are, concepts. I can visualize the hell out of anything. I can see things in a vivid light in my mind. I can see me doing them. But I do not have what it takes to bring these fantasies to fruition. I let them run through in my head like movies, and then I file them back into wherever they came from and let them sit, waiting for the light of day/realization to strike them, but it doesn't. They just gather dust until their original brightness is obscured and all I see is grey and shadows.

I give of myself before it's asked. I give of myself to people who don't want the gift, and I won't give to people who do.

I'm sure this entry could get longer, and I could begin to nitpick, but these are the major areas where I smith the iron with which I strike myself over and over again.